| losing.... |
[18 Jul 2008|03:59am] |
in april, i lost my housemates and had to move. I found a place pretty quickly
in may, i lost my job and had to look for a new one. I'm still looking, but getting close
i also lost someone very dear to me. not by death, but lost all the same. i'll never get HER back, and i'll never find anyone like HER again.
it's not pain that i feel, it's emptiness....and that's much worse
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| dragged over from my myspace blog.... |
[18 Feb 2007|11:13pm] |
ok, so i'm curious about something. as most of you who know me are aware, i am interested in the paranormal. possiblly too much, but i am working more on being skeptical of what i see until i can look at it for myself. so here is my question.
who would be interested in starting up a group to discuss and explore this phenomena. i would like to get people together to alk about experiences we've had, places to check out, and maybe even do some investigations.
I would like people who are serious about this, those who are genuinly interested, and want to do this, not just for a laugh. and if you are in a different part of the state and/or country, that's not a problem either.
so, if you read this and are interested, please let me know. pass it on to others you think might be as well. i'm curious to see if anyone else out there is crazy like me in this field.
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| Year in review |
[18 Dec 2006|10:46pm] |
here goes. first line from each of the first entries of each month in my journal. excited? yeah, me either...
January:
so, i needed a little time away from the ol' hometown.
February:
I never said I'd lie and wait forever (lyric from MCR song)
March:
Kilt arrived!!!! that's right i got my kilt!! *does the happy-i-got-my-kilt dance*
April:
it's time for my monthly post. you know, where i post something whether i need to or not.
May:
for those of you who have read my last couple of posts (i know there aren't many of you, but still), i am happy to report something
June:
(no post for the month of june)
July:
being a nice guy rarely pays off.
August:
(no post)
September:
(no post)
October:
i don't get it. how in the holy hell did i become the most stable person i know?
November:
(no post)
December:
here goes. first line from each of the first entries of each month in my journal. excited? yeah, me either...
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| how did i become the stable one? |
[25 Oct 2006|01:23am] |
i don't get it. how in the holy hell did i become the most stable person i know? or at the very least in the top 5. i'm a fuckin nutbag basketcase, and yet here i am as the voice of reason? that, my friends, is f-u-c-t fucked!
i swear, i'll wake up tomorrow to find out black is white, up is down, and my brain will explode at the first zebra crossing i come to!
to avoid confusion, a friend of mine has decided to make a radical change in his life, and for the wrong reasons. 99% wrong reasons mind you. but, he has made his choice, and there is no stopping him. so, instead of trying, i can only offer my advice, sit back, and watch the story unfold.
p.s.- drama sucks. and making choices for all the wrong reasons, that's worse.
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| people suck |
[23 Jul 2006|07:13am] |
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so..i found out tonight that someone is lying. and doing so to a friend of mine. a really good person, who doesn't deserve to be treated that way. and apparently this person has been lying for the better part of 2 and a half months. this type of treatment really annoys me. in fact, it pisses me off. so in short, i have lost all respect for the guilty party, and yet i am in a situation where i can not really say anything...the repercussions would be too severe. i know i'm being ambiguous and vague...but i have to be. for those that already know the situation, you understand. for those that do not, i am sorry, i can't disclose anymore at this time
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| why put a subject? |
[19 Jul 2006|11:57am] |
well, today is trying my patience. i guess that's not completely accurate...i don't know. i'm just sort of treading water in the sea of discontent today. i don't care about work...i dont' care about today. i just want it done. i want to work on a script, or shoot something, instead of bitching about it. blah...this will pass. probably by 4pm when work is over. then i can relax, get ready for softball tonight, and enjoy my evening.
on a side note: a recent turn of events, while not surprising in any way, still kinda suck. but, i knew it was coming, so it takes a bit of the sting away. (this is actually true of two situations now that i think about it...)
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| Through Glass... |
[11 Jul 2006|08:58pm] |
I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
Oh God it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home
Sitting all alone inside your head
How do you feel, that is the question
But I forget, you don't expect an easy answer
When something like a soul becomes initialized
And folded up like paper dolls and little notes
You can't expect to bitter folks
And while you're outside looking in
Describing what you see
Remember what you're staring at is me
'Cause I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
All I know is that it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head
How much is real, so much to question
An epidemic of the mannequins
Contaminating everything
When thought came from the heart
It never did right from the start
Just listen to the noises
(No more sad voices)
Before you tell yourself
It's just a different scene
Remember is just different from what you've seen
I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
And all I know is that it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head
And it's the stars
The stars that shine for you
And it's the stars
The stars that lie to you
I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
Oh God it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home
Sitting all alone inside your head
'Cause I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
All I know is that it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home
Sitting all alone inside your head
And it's the stars
The stars that shine for you
And it's the stars
The stars that lie to you
And it's the stars
The stars that shine for you
And it's the stars
The stars that lie to you
The stars
The stars that lie
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| nice guys... |
[07 Jul 2006|04:51pm] |
being a nice guy rarely pays off. but it's a curse i have to deal with. better to be this way, than be a dickhead. i guess. not much else to report. i do have a part time job now working the door at Dillinger's/Bootlegger's. easy work, decent pay. and now i will leave you with a couple of song lyrics that struck me lately:
"I'm the One" (ironically off of an album called "Karma and Effect", ha!
Won't you tell her that I said I'm the one
I couldn't hurt her like everyone
And tell her that I said I'm the one
And I don't deserve her
"Nice Guys Finish Last"
Nice guys finish last
You're running out of gas
Your sympathy will get you left behind
Sometimes you're at your best, when you feel the worst
Do you feel washed up, like piss going down the drain
Pressure cooker pick my brain and tell me I'm insane
I'm so fucking happy I could cry
Every joke can have its truth and now the joke's on you
I never knew you were such a funny guy
Oh nice guys finish last, when you are the outcast
Don't pat yourself on the back you might break your spine
Living on command
You're shaking lots of hands
Kissing up and bleeding all your trust, taking what you need
Bite the hand that feeds
You lose your memory and you got no shame
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| whew... |
[12 May 2006|04:13pm] |
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god bless Dave Grohl and the Foo Fighters. They saved me from my mood today. and believe me, that's a good thing (it was not what i'd call a good mood)
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[10 May 2006|11:51pm] |
Life is interesting. all the rules i set up for myself. everything i say i will follow, will do, and yet i am the worst offender of all. but i'm better than i used to be. i'm better now, in that i don't let things linger, dont' let them bother me. i can deal with it, head on, and slay the dragon. i think back to a few years ago...hell, 1 year ago, and what i was like; where i was as a person, emotionally and mentally. I'm so much ahead of that now. I'm glad for it...without the strength i've learned, and without the help of some very amazing people, i would be a shell today. those people know who they are, and i thank you for all you have done. i'm off to bed, sleep calls me. tomorrow is a new day, one i hope to fill with some adventure. i leave you with a couple of interesting songs. no real reason for them...just that i like the lyrics, they make you think. at least they make me think
"The Opium of the People"
Watch those idiosyncrasies
Watch all the idiots fall on me
Running out of ways to get outta the way
Take another shot just to stay the same
But I need some balance - Back it off
Fill your lungs 'til it makes you cough
Tell me everything's gonna be alright
'Cause I don't think I'll make it through tonight
The only way - Is all the way
Oh - my - God
It's judgement day and I'm not prepared
Everybody out there's running scared
So - Take a little bit off the top
I don't care, just make it stop
I won't give another soul... to you
I won't give another life... to you
You have to stop
Stop!
Do one thing and say something cryptic
But the styles always clash
One thing I know for sure
The hypothetical won't work anymore
One wrong move and they will pound!
My nails are tight inside my wrists
This sacrament is sacrilege and sentimental
Deity experimental - Faith is accidental
I won't give another soul... to you
I won't give another life... to you
I won't give another thought... to you
I won't give anymore of my hope... to you
"Severed"
And we hide behind,
Lies, anger, Hate they shoo love away,
Build shells of ourselves outside,
It shelters body from cold reigns of reality,
Come on, Step out, of your rind, assemble strength, focus,
Release and run to me you can never look back to the visions from the
past they fade and wilt in time,
You've got to just trust me to hold your hand through,
Then I turn and walk away,
Eclipse you (Cut you away),
And bleed you strip you of your states of ain soph aur,
Eclipse you (Cut you away),
I spit up on my plate and I push everything away,
From me
And we sever all ties,
It creates disruption midst circle of friends,
I become the sacrifice,
Spare your life and leave me to my misery,
Get off the cross, and save yourself, run away
Run now get away from me if I can get my grip I'll pull you down into
the hell I call my head you'll never get away
I sit down in my ugly place and build walls out of fragments from my
past of all the people that I needed and loved that walked away,
You've got to just trust me to hold your hand through then I'll turn
and walk away
I walk under the clouds of gray,
Sphere of storms in my head,
I'm trapped again in endless rain
I divorce the thoughts of you I love with me,
I divorce your innocence and my guilt,
I divorce the lying sellout confidence,
I'm divorcing every mother fuckin' thing
I divorce the love bled meaningless,
I divorce the makeshift harmony,
I divorce the taunting acts of violence,
I divorce the pastime of jealousy,
I divorce control,
I divorce the faith,
I divorce the virtue,
I divorce the rain,
I divorce the excuse,
I divorce the greed,
I divorce the need,
I divorce iniquity in this mother fuckin' bullshit life,
Just want it all to go away,
Just want to run away to die, take it, myself, my life
Text book fucking mental, off me and pitch me in a hole
I'll always be your shadow,
And veil your eyes from states of ain soph aur,
I can't be the hero anymore,
I spit up on my plate and then I turn and walk away,
I spit up on my plate and I disrupt the family,
I spit up on my plate and I sever the entity,
And I feel your warm sun on my face
Separate .
Eclipse you and bleed you strip you of your states of ain soph
aur,
I need you,
It's always been this way, I push it all away,
From me
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| Weekend in review... |
[08 May 2006|12:03am] |
The past 4 days in review:
Thrusday, work like always. then that night, the premiere of episode 13. it went pretty well i think. We held it at Dillingers, took over the tv/sound system. there were actually people there besides us to watch it. all in all, probably a dozen and a half to 2 dozen people were there. and we got a pretty good reception. Unfortunatly, the channel 2 feed in the bar is shitty, as is the sound from TCTV2 over the air...but i'll take it. people saw us, and enjoyed it. even went so far as to tell us that afterwards. There was even a guy that happened to be there from the Discovery channel (i know, why was he in TC?) and he'd even heard of us before, in lansing (weird, but very cool)
Friday. Woke up, got an email from a DJ on the local modern rock station "The Zone". Now, for the most part, radio up here just plain blows. but that station does play a few good tunes now and again, and so i do happen to listen to it daily at work. Well, long story short, this particular DJ was watching our show as he emailed me. Watching it and taping it. he expressed interest in working with us, doing voice over/announcing work. i think it would be a cool idea, and give us maybe a bit more exposure. plus, he seems like a pretty cool guy. too bad he's moving to flint in a week.
Then friday night, i hung out with Wardo. hadn't seen him in weeks because of his finals at school, but he is up, and we ended up going to Outback for some dinner. (where, i actually got recognized by a waiter there at random, which was both cool, and weird as i hadn't really experienced it before)
Saturday. woke up ready to play some bball at the gym. got in there only to find a Martial Arts tournament going on, thus negating any ballin'. so, i called Elitza, and she wasn't up to much, and so we went and hung out, walking around downtown for 2 hours. had some cool convorsations, and just generally enjoyed the really really nice day. I love stuff like that, just good times with a good friend, no plans, just going with it. After that, it was off to my aunt and uncles house for a graduation party for my cousin Nicke. she graduated from Grand Valley. it was nice to see them, i don't get too often enough. and i found out that a friend just moved back from New Mexico. a bit later i hung out with said friend, his brother, and Wardo. then it was to the bar for a saturday night boozing.
Pat was able to get out of work early, and Jim met us at the bar, along with Clint, and a bit later, Elitza. We consumed much beer, and a shot of Tuaca (evil!!!!). Found out a teammate of jim's from college just died, and even tho i didn't know him...it's sad to hear news like that. we drank to him, to friends, to good times, to squirrels, and to anything else that popped into our heads. i left my car downtown, and Pat was able to drive us back home. (i found out today that after we got home, clint decided he wanted to get his car, and walked the 6 or 7 miles back to town in the middle of the night for it....weird guy)
Sunday. Woke up, rode in to town with pat to get my car. met up with Elitza again for some more walking around, enjoying the nice day, talking. it's been a while since i've had a friend to do that with on a regular basis. i didn't realize how much i missed it until today. we came back here, watched some of the all day "Ghost Hunters" marathon, kicked around some ideas and such for JerryTown, watched the pistons own the shit outta cleveland, and just general good stuff. Then i went in to Wardo's house, we watched some more "Ghost Hunters", played some video games, and just hung out. it was a good day if you ask me. Now, it's off to bed, and get ready for the week. I think i'm ready for it.
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| i stole this from Elitza |
[03 May 2006|05:26pm] |
A lot has been said about how to prevent rape:
Women should learn self-defense. Women should lock themselves in their houses after dark. Women shouldn't have long hair and women shouldn't wear short skirts. Women shouldn't leave drinks unattended. Psh, they shouldn't dare to get drunk at all.
Instead of that bullshit, how about:
If a woman is drunk, don't rape her.
If a woman is walking alone at night, don't rape her.
If a women is drugged and unconscious, don't rape her.
If a woman is wearing a short skirt, don't rape her.
If a woman is jogging in a park at 5 am, don't rape her.
If a woman looks like your ex-girlfriend you're still hung up on, don't rape her.
If a woman is asleep in her bed, don't rape her.
If a woman is asleep in your bed, don't rape her.
If a woman is doing her laundry, don't rape her.
If a woman is in a coma, don't rape her.
If a woman changes her mind in the middle of or about a particular activity, don't rape her.
If a woman has repeatedly refused a certain activity, don't rape her.
If a woman is not yet a woman, but a child, don't rape her.
If your girlfriend or wife is not in the mood, don't rape her.
If your step-daughter is watching tv, don't rape her.
If you break into a house and find a woman there, don't rape her.
If your friend thinks it's okay to rape someone, tell him it's not, and that he's not your friend.
If your "friend" tells you he raped someone, report him to the police.
If your frat-brother or another guy at the party tells you there's an unconscious woman upstairs and It's your turn, don't rape her, call the police and tell the guy he's a rapist.
Tell your sons, god-sons, nephews, grandsons, sons of friends it's not okay to rape someone.
Don't tell your women friends how to be safe and avoid rape.
Don't imply that she could have avoided it if she'd only done/not done x.
Don't imply that it's in any way her fault.
Don't let silence imply agreement when someone tells you he "got some" with the drunk girl.
Don't perpetuate a culture that tells you that you have no control over or responsibility for your actions. You can, too, help yourself.
If you agree, repost it. It's that important.
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| minor update: |
[01 May 2006|07:46am] |
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for those of you who have read my last couple of posts (i know there aren't many of you, but still), i am happy to report something. While the last week or so has been very interesting for me internally, i can report that the weirdness is gone. at least for me. It is no longer of concern. i can't speak for all parties, but hopefully in time, it can be absolved for all. Now, if you'll excuse me, i have to jet to work. I just thought it was worth while to post that. =)
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| life = hard |
[28 Apr 2006|01:56am] |
well, as i type this, most of the shakes has subsided.
i'm so far able to keep the beast at bay. i fear it rearing it's ugly head, and the bad that would follow. however, i know i am strong enough to keep that from happening. there's too much at stake. i don't want to lose another friendship over my own stupid self. i won't let it happen, never again
(i haven't felt emotion like this in a long time, i nearly forgot this feeling. but what's really strange is the fact that even though i have all this emotion...95% is unconditional love. the other 5% is the emotion that could cause problems. i just have to keep that part at bay)
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| 11 things for 11 people |
[26 Apr 2006|04:07pm] |
for those of you who don't read the myspace bullitens...i will put this up here as well. more drippings from my mind:
-- List ten things you want to say to ten people but know you never will.
-- Don't say who they are.
-- Feel free to comment, but I'm not necessarily confirming or answering anything.
(yes, it's one more than 10. i have a lot of people to say things to. hell, i could really go on for quite some time...but i am limiting that to the good people in my life. the bad ones...i remove from the picture.)
1. Truely a god amongst mortals. You are like the brother i never had. We aren't as close as i'd like anymore, partly my own fault, partly life getting in the way. But no matter what happens or where the rollercoaster of existence takes us...you will always be my brother.
2. Thank you. Thank you for showing me a side of myself that i had all but given up on. You opened me up in ways i didn't think were possible. Even though things didn't turn out exactly how i would have hoped, just knowing you is more than i could ask for.
3. We are not as close anymore either. Same reasons as above, however, that does not change what i feel about you. You are the first person that doesn't share my last name i can honestly say i love. We've shared more moments than i can remember, and i wouldn't trade them for anything. the good and the bad. I will never be able to show you or repay you for all that you have given to me in my life...but if it takes me until the end of my days...i will try
4. My borther. a great friend, and a great man. Sure, you have your faults, we all do. But you have a lust for life that is at times, unmatched. I would gladly take your place on the gallows, regardless of what your crime would be. to call you friend is to do you injustice...
5. You left my life all too quickly. but the memories i have of you are priceless...
6. A major mistake on my part caused a rift between us that has never closed. I struggle every day with it still. I don't regret things in my life...but if i could take it back, i would. Just so that you and i would still be close.
7. You were a large part of my high school life. To say you didn't shape who i am...would be to claim that fire is not hot. in short, a lie. while we havne't spoken for years, i thank you for what we shared, and wish you the best in your life
8. While we dont' always agree, or share the same ideology, you are family, and i love you.
9. We haven't known eachother very long, true. But, in that short time, you have been a great compatriot. talented, intelligent (to the point of intimidation) and virtuious, i am honored to call you friend
10. You are who i hope to be in 10 years. A man of greatness beyond reproach. 'nuff said
11. You came into my life at nearly the perfect time. i cherish our friendship more than you may understand. and for all the right reasons.
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| to all my livejournal kiddies... |
[24 Apr 2006|12:28am] |
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it's time for my monthly post. you know, where i post something whether i need to or not. right, well, anyway...this one is going to be a bit more intorspective and personal than most. wait, scratch that. 85% of what i post is that way. anyway....
i find myself walking on the edge. the edge of a slippery slope i've delt with all too many times before. it's part of the path i've chosen. it pops up every now and then, and sometimes i fall down it...sometimes i manage to walk the razor's edge. each occurance is more difficult than the last. and each time i do fall into the pit, becomes harder and harder to climb back out. time, emotion, thought, all erode the far too loose footing of the sides.
in particular the last time i was here, which was by far the worst, affected me. because it ended in a way i had not forseen (though in hind sight, i should have) and was alltogether just not good. i do not want that to happen again. that kind of hurt is difficult to deal with. and so i find myself here again, and once again, i must make a choice. however, given my past experience, this choice seems much easier now. or at least i'm lead to think this way. i always tell people to follow their hearts, let the chips fall where they may. but now that i am here again, i know better. to do so now, especially in a rash manner, would only cause the worst. and i can not let that happen to me again. i will not.
besides, i'm sure it's only a passing fancy in my mind. a "grass is greener" situation. at least that's the story i'm giving myself internally. makes it easier for me to get beyond it, to push it down and keep it there. that and the fear of ruining something. which i have done far too often in the past. and each time it's taken a little more of me with it. so that i can not allow either.
no, it's better if i keep it inside. keep it secret, keep it safe. let it play out in my head, and dissapear into my thoughts. it does help however, knowing the other side (at least assuming i do) and being able to rationalize things by drawing the conclusion that all parties involved, whether actively or passivly (depending on their thoughts in and of the matter) feel similarly.
so, if you've read this poast (and there are only a few who can) and think you may have some idea of what i speak, you know the email address. and if you have read this post, and think i'm a complete nut job...well, i probably am, but for you, i offer up comment space =)
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| the family colors |
[24 Mar 2006|03:21pm] |
well, today is a banner day for me indeed. My Crawford Clan Kilt arrived via fed ex from scotland! all i can say is, YAY!
it's sooooo nice, and well worth the wait and money for it. i am happy.
that is all for now. i may post this weekend if i feel the desire
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[02 Mar 2006|11:49pm] |
Kilt arrived!!!! that's right i got my kilt!! *does the happy-i-got-my-kilt dance* hehehehehehe
ok, i'm a dork, i don't care. that's all i have for now
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| backstabbers and napolean complex |
[21 Feb 2006|05:43pm] |
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ugh. i'm really pissed off about something. but so pissed i don't want to write it all out. let's just say some little weasal cost me my part time job at the opera house. not too happy am i! ask me sometime if you want to know. but give me a couple days to cool off from it. and now...to quote a wiser man than i: "go screw a moose"
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